i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
