Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
