Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
