I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
