This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
