It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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