he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize