Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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