I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
