My hand turned me down
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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