he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
