i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
