Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
