new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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