My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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