How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
