I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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