And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
