I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
