"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize