i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
