hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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