She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize