I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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