Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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