Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
