You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
