Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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