she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
