the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
