Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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