So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
