my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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