my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
