my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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