everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
