I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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