no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
