from now on my penis is your penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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