Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
