Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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