why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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