kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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