My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize