I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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