Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
