new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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