I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
