You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
