my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
This house was built for laser tag.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
