theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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