the new term for farting is butt boxing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
