that's an acceptable place to lick
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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