his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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