I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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