I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
