I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
