You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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