i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He passed out mid-signature
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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