I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
