I wish my penis had an off switch
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
