I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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