I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
