Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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