I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
