Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
